Today is my mum’s birthday. She would’ve been 59.
I find it hard to know how this makes me feel. A bit sad, I suppose, but I guess it’s hard to know whether I’m feeling my feelings fully. That sounds like gibberish I know, but I’m sure some people can make sense of it.
What I think is the thing that is hardest to reconcile is that she has been dead for over half the time I had been alive when she died. (I was 15, and it’s been nearly 9 years). In 7 years time I’ll have been alive longer without her than with her. The thought of that makes me cry, because it just seems so impossible. Like, how is it possible that I exist while she doesn’t?
I haven’t really blogged about this before, nor have I really written about it before, not even in private diaries. I’d like to try it more because I think it’s quite worthwhile writing it down, although it’s hard to give voice to what I feel because I don’t think about it much.