Birthday

Today is my mum’s birthday. She would’ve been 59.

I find it hard to know how this makes me feel. A bit sad, I suppose, but I guess it’s hard to know whether I’m feeling my feelings fully. That sounds like gibberish I know, but I’m sure some people can make sense of it.

What I think is the thing that is hardest to reconcile is that she has been dead for over half the time I had been alive when she died. (I was 15, and it’s been nearly 9 years). In 7 years time I’ll have been alive longer without her than with her. The thought of that makes me cry, because it just seems so impossible. Like, how is it possible that I exist while she doesn’t?

I haven’t really blogged about this before, nor have I really written about it before, not even in private diaries. I’d like to try it more because I think it’s quite worthwhile writing it down, although it’s hard to give voice to what I feel because I don’t think about it much.

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Comments

  1. sending you love and hugs. i have not experienced such an incredible loss so wouldn’t know how this feels, but know i’m here for you and i love listening to you. <3

    ps. i think it’s a great idea to try and express more about this…

  2. *hugs* I knew about your mum, but I didn’t realise it happened when you were 15, I thought you were younger. Maybe this should be a *humps* to bring back old memories 🙂

  3. I lost my mum when I was eleven. That is 36 years ago now, and I’ve been through layers and layers of grief. From feeling nothing to feeling everything and everything in between. I still always remember her birthday, every year. And yes, it feels weird for me too to have lived longer without her than with her. It’s something that has shaped us and that we have to come to terms with somehow.

    I translated a book by Hope Edelman (do you know her?) into Dutch. She wrote Motherless Daughters. I translated the sequel Motherless Mothers into Dutch (my native tongue).

    See you on Tam’s network.

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