iris-impressions.com » Life

Jupiter

Iris — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 18:32:18 +0000

My son Jupiter was born on 8 May 2011! I was induced 2 weeks early due to a pregnancy related medical condition. Apart from the induction I had a natural labour & birth which lasted all of 1.5 hours (I know you’re jealous. Or if you’ve never given birth you probably have no idea what this means).

He is absolutely amazing and I am loving it! I know you’re kind of supposed to say that, and sure there are things that aren’t easy (breastfeeding for one) but overall it’s just so enjoyable. I really feel very fulfilled and like I have a new purpose.

Between taking care of Jupiter and working part time and THE LAUNDRY I have very little time, so rather than writing more I will just say it with pictures!

Iris’ Life Update ca Feb 2011

Iris — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 19:19:43 +0000

I find it hard to update regularly. Part of it is laziness, part of it is not knowing what to write about, but I think the biggest part is feeling like I don’t have anything interesting to say, or that people won’t be interested in what I have to say. I guess that’s a problem of self-confidence. So what I’ll do is I’ll make this an Iris’ Life Update ca Feb 2011, because that easily solves the problem of not knowing what to write about. The other ones I’ll have to work on solving.

Pregnancy/Baby

Obviously this is the most dominant feature in my life at the moment. You know how once people get pregnant or have kids that’s the only thing they’ll talk about anymore? Well, it’s true. It completely takes over your life. Especially in the first few months it was all I could think about all day. I would obsessively check how many weeks along I was and how the foetus was developing, not to mention worry about all the things that could go wrong. The obsession is abating a bit now (I am nearly 26 weeks, or 6 months, or roughly two-thirds of the way through) but it gets replaced with more practical concerns like what do we need, how much does it cost, where do we buy it, where do we put it.

So far I would say pregnancy has been a mixed experience. On the positive side, I love being pregnant and knowing that there is a baby growing inside me. I love feeling the baby move, it’s really funny and touching. It’s like I always have company. I also think that because the baby is inside me and moving, I tend to regard it as more mature than an actual baby, it’s kind of hard to explain what I mean. I really like sharing the experience with Andrew and whenever he can feel the baby move it’s so special. I also love it when Andrew talks to my belly! It’s so funny and touching, makes me feel really loved.

The negative aspects of pregnancy are pretty much all physical at this stage and they fluctuate a lot from day to day. In the beginning (first trimester) there was the nausea and the tiredness. They went away around 3 months into the pregnancy and since then until about early January things had been quite comfortable. For the past month or so I’ve been experiencing quite bad back aches and I’m starting to get tired again. The tiredness isn’t so much from the pregnancy itself, but rather because I wake up about every 2 hours during the night, so even if I sleep for a long time, the quality of sleep I’m getting isn’t great. The back aches I’m doing some exercises for and taking paracetamol. The combination of the two seems to help although it fluctuates from day to day. I also asked my midwife to refer me to a physio, for which the waiting list is 6 weeks…. alright then.

From an emotional point of view there are a few things I’ve struggled with. Firstly, my growing belly and weight gain. It’s something I find incredibly hard to reconcile and know how to feel about it. On the one hand it’s awesome and a great source of pride. On the other hand it triggers a lot of negative feelings about my self-image. I’ve always been a fairly slim person (although I had a bit of a pudgy phase when I was a teenager) with stable weight, but at the same time that doesn’t mean I didn’t worry about being fat/gaining weight/the way I looked. Although I have never been either anorexic or overweight physically, emotionally weight has always been an issue for me. So gaining weight due to the pregnancy affects the way I feel about myself and I guess I feel less in control. Currently I eat whatever I want and whenever I’m hungry, and my weight gain is about on par with what is normal. That doesn’t stop me worrying about it though =p

Secondly, the sex of the baby. Andrew and I were in agreement from the beginning that we wanted to know the sex and I never made a secret of the fact that I really wanted a girl, no matter how ‘politically incorrect’ that may sound. As an aside: sure you’re supposed to say ‘as long as it’s healthy’, but I find that a bit of a ruse, because it’s not like there is anyone out there actively hoping their baby isn’t healthy. I think it’s much more healthy from an emotional point of view to be honest about what you’re feeling, because whether you announce them to the world or not, the feelings are there and need to be dealt with.

So, I wanted a girl, which made me quite sure that I was going to have a boy (because that is how the universe works n’est-ce pas?). Andrew was really convinced we were having a girl. Turns out I was right =p So we’re having a boy, which is something I have really had to get used to. I still really want a girl, but I don’t wish this baby was a girl. Having a boy is emotionally complicated for me. Girls are much more firmly in my own comfort zone: I am a girl, I was raised by a single mother, I didn’t have a father figure or much exposure to boys/men. On some level I have probably always been intimidated by boys/men, because they were so very other. And I probably also passively got the message that women don’t need men, and that boys don’t need their mother. Having a boy triggers many more feelings of discomfort and insecurity in me. It is funny, but also reassuring, that all my friends who have had babies in the past 1.5 years (or are expecting now) also had boys.

Thirdly, going through this huge life changing experience without my mother. This is a difficult one, because as of yet I don’t actually really feel the impact of this. Of course it sucks in an ongoing way, but what I am most worried about is the labour and that is a big unknown. Although I’m sure the labour isn’t going to be a picnic physically, that is not what I am worried about (ironically, before I got pregnant it always seemed the biggest obstacle, why would anyone willingly push out a baby through their vagina? Insane – whereas now I’m worried about NOT being able to have a natural birth and needing a caesarean). As of yet, and I imagine until I actually go through it, I do not know what my emotional needs are going to be during labour. Of course I will have Andrew, which is hugely important to me, but he is not a woman, nor is he my mother. I have read Hope Edelman’s Motherless Mothers (a few years back I read Motherless Daughters) which has already been hugely helpful and actually made me more aware of the emotional issues that could come up during the birth (and afterwards, but that’s a whole ‘nother chapter for later).

Art/Craft

Art has taken a little bit of a backseat the past few months. I think I go through phases, ebbs and flows of inspiration and creativity. It’s something I used to berate myself for, like I wasn’t allowed to feel good about the art I create (or wasn’t allowed to create at all) just because I’m not consistent and do it every day. I’m trying to let go of that feeling and just create when I feel like it, and not when I don’t.

I had the idea for Bird in Cage for a while, I did a quick sketch last year in a notebook, but hadn’t sat down to actually create it until this year. I used bits of greeting cards and letters that family & friends sent to me over the years as the background. Then I went over it with gesso and paint until I got the grungy textured background I was aiming for. The bird itself was done with watersoluble oil pastels. The cage was done with gold embossing powder. I love the effect of embossing, but it’s such a time consuming and fiddly job.

I’m currently working on a whimsy portrait on watercolour paper. I’d like to improve my shading techniques and generally get more comfortable at creating faces. I also recently worked a bit on the digital portrait I started last year, but I paid dearly for it the next day as it made the RSI in my elbow very bad.

I’m also working on a soft toy for the baby. It will be crocheted. The colours I picked are grassy green, bright purple and navy. It’s going to be some type of caterpillar-like animal. The yarn I’m using is quite thin and I’m using a 2.5mm hook, but nevertheless progress is quite quick. I just have to be careful I don’t overdo it with my elbow. I have until May to finish it anyway!

Violin

Still enjoying & taking lessons! I meet up with a couple of friends every Wednesday (they come to my place, lucky me!) and we practice together. It’s great, because if we didn’t do that I would probably get very behind. I don’t practice a lot by myself, due to laziness and tiredness. I definitely do want to continue with it though, as far as possible throughout pregnancy and after the baby is born. I think it will be nice (not to mention important) to have a few evenings a week to do stuff just for me. The baby enjoys music too! He tends to move around when I play, or listen to music or when we go to a concert.

World of Warcraft

Ahh the time sink and reason for all my laziness! I’m mostly kidding, I haven’t actually been able to play that much lately, but I have to say I am enjoying the game a lot more again since Cataclysm came out. I first levelled my resto druid who used to be my main during TBC and at the beginning of Wrath. I lost interest in the class during Wrath as the challenge was just gone. It’s slightly more challenging again, but once I hit 85 and was faced with the grind for gear and rep I just didn’t feel like it.

Instead I dusted off my holy priest. Holy priesting is SO MUCH FUN right now! The class really has a lot of abilities to play with. She’s about 20% away from lv85 and I actually look forward to getting geared up for heroics. On the side I’m also playing my prot pally a bit. It’s verrry different from what it was like in Wrath, but nice to have new toys to play with and re-learn things. It keeps things interesting.

In 2009

Iris — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 19:05:05 +0000

I update so infrequently that whenever I do, I first have to upgrade WordPress to the latest version. Happens every time! Here a little update with some major things that happened in my life in 2009.

Moving house

Up until February 2009 Andrew and I were living together in one room in a flatshare with two other people (and were also running our business from said room). We’d been there since the beginning of our relationship 4 years previously and needless to say it was ~~cramped and you couldn’t turn your arse~~ cozy. Having got married the previous autumn we’d really hoped to be able to buy by that time, but it didn’t work out. So we decided to at least find our own place to rent. It meant moving slightly further out from the centre of London but the space we got in return for it was definitely worth it. Not having to share the kitchen and bathroom with other people anymore is pure bliss!

Tikka

As a direct consequence of moving into our own place meant I could finally get a cat! I had wanted a cat since I was about 4 years old, but my mum didn’t want cats so I had to make do with first a guinea pig, then several dwarf hamsters and also some mice (none of which I particularly liked as they were poor substitute for a cat). I had been doing research on cats for a while and decided I really wanted a Bengal as the personality of the breed really appealed to me as well as the look. At the beginning of April we picked up our little cat and brought her home! We called her Tikka both because she’s a Bengal and because we live near Brick Lane (curry capital!).

She is everything we expected and then some! I cannot imagine life without her now. She is absolutely INSANE which fits our personalities quite well =p Right now she is asleep on top of a pile of boxes underneath a halogen lamp as it’s nice and warm there.

Playing the Violin

In September I took up playing the violin. When I was little I’d had lessons for maybe 6 months or a year but quit quickly (after hardly practicing) because I felt very disappointed at how hard it was and how horrible it sounded! Nevertheless, it had always been my favourite instrument and continued to be so. Now as an adult I thought it more likely that I’d have the patience and dedication to try again. I’m taking lessons at a local college that specialises in evening education for adults. My class is very big (about 20 people – although in practice not everyone shows up every week) but the teacher is great and I feel like I’m making good progress. I enjoy the lessons and practicing at home and can’t wait to get better!

California

Going to California has always been a dream for both of us. We initially wanted to do this for our honeymoon in 2008, but had next to no money left after getting married! So instead we went this year and I’m definitely glad we waited. It was the holiday of a lifetime and I enjoyed it immensely. We both really want to go back or perhaps try to live there part of the year.

1st Anniversary

31 October 2009 was our first wedding anniversary. I’m just so glad to be spending my life with Andrew! Our relationship grows stronger every year and I definitely think the past year has been exceptional in terms of how much closer we’ve become. In 9 days we celebrate our 5 years together!

Overall

This past year has been really good. I’m almost surprised as I am not used to my life being that enjoyable, always expecting disaster around the corner. I think I updated a while back writing about feeling more content and life being more in balance. I’m hoping this will continue and obviously will work on making it happen! One of the most valuable ‘lessons’ I learned this year is that you create your own destiny and that it’s up to you alone how you approach and interpret what happens.

Current State of Affairs

Iris — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:04:55 +0000

Yes yes, I know. I am incredibly crap at updating this thing. Sincerest apologies.

In some ways lots has been going on, and in other ways life has been pretty boring. I guess that’s how it always is.

I’m reading the Twilight books by Stephenie Meyer at the moment. Wow.. I am so into it. I know I’m supposed to be all apologetic for not reading high-brow literature, but seriously, anyone who writes something so appealing and engaging gets my respect.

Life with our little cat is so lovely. She’s becoming less like a kitten and more like a cat every day. Although she still does silly things. When we were on holiday she stayed with Andrew’s sister and requisitioned a feather duster. It’s about as long as she is, and she will attack it and bite it. The funniest thing she does though is when she picks it up with her teeth (like a dog with a stick, horizontally) and walks around with it.

She’s also obsessed with elastic hair bands. She’s also a master at losing them. I’m going through hair bands really quickly at the moment haha. She can just sniff them out. I’ll see her sticking her head inside my handbag, and after a few seconds she comes out with a hair band in her teeth.

Seriously, I can talk about my cat for hours. I took some videos the other week but haven’t downloaded them yet. If they’re any good I will post them.

Hmm what else.. we went on holiday to California at the end of September. It was absolutely amazing. Complete and utter holiday of a lifetime. We took 900odd pictures so it’ll probably be about a year or five before I actually sort through and post any of them. I can’t really think of specific highlights because the whole experience as a whole was just so impressive. We flew in to LA, spent a few days there, drove north along the coast to Malibu, then Big Sur and up to San Fransisco. Then from SF we spent a few days in the wine country, went to Yosemite, down through Death Valley on our way to Las Vegas and then back to LA. We camped for a third of the time which was nice (but cold! Except in Death Valley) and authentic.

OK here’s a picture. It’s absolutely impossible to choose one picture that sums up the whole journey so I leave you with a token tourist shot.

Contemplating Life

Iris — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:16:44 +0000

Earlier when I was walking to the post-box in my flip flops (not only my flip flops, mind) it struck me that I am actually quite happy. This is quite a huge thing coming from me, ever the depressed pessimist.

Life’s thrown some punches at me and I’ve been good at surviving, but lately I’ve felt a bit of a shift. For a few years now I’ve not merely been surviving, but living and lately I’ve been enjoying life with more consistency than ever before.

I just want to mention that although I’ve suffered from depression, I would have never described myself as an unhappy person. The difference I am talking about now though, is something between having happy moments or spells, and a more consistent contentment.

The reasons for this are ample, I think, there isn’t one single thing (I am averse to the whole ‘one single thing’ mindset as a whole, it puts too much pressure and expectation on something that can never deliver). Overall though, I think it can be summed up as ‘life is finally going right for me’.

Sure there are still things I want and would like to achieve, and I don’t want to become complacent, but I feel less like something is missing. That’s quite huge, because my life has been governed by loss a lot (both in the bigger sense from losing my mother, but also in smaller ways, in which I recreate or re-experience loss in almost every situation).

It may sound trite but having a husband who loves me, living in our own place (rented, but not shared with flatmates), having a cat, having a nice bottle of wine every now and again, fiddling with crochet/knitting/art/cooking… it all just fills me with more calm than I’ve ever felt in my life.

It makes me feel like, yes I can have nice things (or rather, a nice life), and no they’re not going to be taken away from me at a moment’s notice for no good reason.

Procrastination Across The Nation

Iris — Tue, 12 May 2009 13:56:55 +0000

Someone kick me and make me update already! I’ve been toying with the idea of updating my blog for about a month but I keep putting it off. So voila, an impromptu update with no topic or meaningful content whatsoever!

I just bought a Nintendo DS Lite off ebay, so I’m pretty excited about that! I got it because I’m going to Holland in a few weeks BY BUS. So for the lovely 10 hour journey I thought I’d get something to occupy myself with. Thing is, going by bus, AND buying a Nintendo DS, is still cheaper than flying… flying is quite expensive at the moment.

Since you didn’t ask, I’m going to Holland (my lovely country of birth and corruption – my corruption, not the country’s) to sign papers for my house which was sold. I’m also visiting my best friend from uni (who is American, studied in England, and then him and his Italian girlfriend moved to Holland.. go figure) who has recently had a child!! And I’m catching up with two of my best friends from high school who I last saw at my wedding where we really didn’t have enough time to properly talk.

A while back I started another painting. Similar to the one before, in the same watercolour Moleskine, with the same techniques, just a different face. I painted the face & hair, I still have to colour in her top and the background (have needed to do that for about 2 weeks now..) which I will get around to sometime, and then I will show you, because I know you’re practically dying to see it.

I’m watching season 1 of Gossip Girl at the moment and it makes me wish I was a teenager again because I have unresolved issues and there are lots of people I would totally kick in the teeth. But not literally. Also, I don’t really wish I was a teenager again because adolescence = hell with too many hormones.

Oh and last night I had this awesome dream and Nathan Fillion was in it.

I’m going to do a serious post (cue ominous music) soon in relation to this book I am reading. But I need to get in the mood to write about srs bsns, so not yet my pretties, not yet.

Also I don’t know why my site is so incredibly slow. Maybe it’s the theme? I just hope for your sake you are reading this through a feed reader.

Pictures of Our New Flat!

Iris — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 14:42:19 +0000

When I say new, we’ve been living here almost a month already! Time flies. We’re picking up Tikka (the kitten) on Friday. I am so excited, I can’t wait!

IKEA & a Kitten

Iris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 14:31:05 +0000

Time for an update about My Life™

Yesterday was an exciting yet frustrating day. We had taken the day off work to go IKEA shopping to get some bits and pieces for our new flat. Oh yeah, forgot to mention (although I’ve Twittered about it), we moved to a new flat! It’s gorgeous and spacious and it’s soooo nice to not be sharing anymore (our flatmates were nice, but when you’re married it should really be time to think about your own place, right?!).

Anyway, like I mentioned a while back, money has been tight and obviously there are costs involved with moving too, so we are trying to budget a lot and trying to be really careful with what we spend money on. Sooo we went to IKEA to buy some stuff, arrived back in the car park afterwards and noticed someone had tried to break into our hired van. NOT NICE. They didn’t manage to get into the van (even if they did, it was completely empty anyway) but they broke the lock, for which the rental company is now trying to charge us an exorbitant sum.

I’m feeling quite angry and sad about it. Obviously glad we had nothing in the van that could’ve been stolen, but I’m just so angry that the illegal actions of some thoughtless individual(s) can really impact our financial situation like that. Especially seeing as we’ve been agonising over every single purchase we make (from what groceries we buy to putting stuff back at IKEA because we didn’t really need them) and really cutting back on a lot of little luxuries you might usually take for granted (like having an occasional coffee at Starbucks, getting a take-away, buying books or DVDs). And then just BOOM, through something not our fault all that care we took is just obliterated by a several hundred pound bill.

Anyway, having got that off my chest, right now we’re just focussing on work a lot, as complaining about the situation isn’t going to make it better; making money is. Although I find that a bit saddening too. I don’t want my life to revolve around money, but sadly that’s how it is at the moment.

The much more exciting part about yesterday was that we went to look at some kittens! I’ve literally wanted a cat since I was about 4 years old, so now, approx 20 years later it is finally going to happen! We picked out an adorable little female kitten and she will be ready for us to pick up in about a month’s time. I’m incredibly excited!!! I’ll hopefully get some pictures from the breeder soon, so I’ll be able to post those.

We moved about 1.5 weeks ago now, but stuff is still in boxes. However, now that we’ve sorted out the final pieces of furniture we can finally unpack all the rest of our stuff (mainly books & DVDs) and really finish everything off. It’ll be nice to have our whole home ‘completed’. Especially since lots of our stuff has been in storage for about a year (due to the tiny size of our previous flat/room), so I’m really excited about putting the bookcases together and putting my books on the shelves. Once that’s all been done I’ll do a picture or video update of the flat!

Being Average

Iris — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 10:13:05 +0000

(I have to type really quietly because Andrew (the husb) is still asleep and gets very grumpy when woken up. Good luck to me, because my massive G15 keyboard is anything but quiet)

I have such a love/hate relationship with the internet. On the one hand I love it (I could extol the virtues of the internetz and modern technologies for a long time) but on the other hand it allows me to feel baaaaad about myself.

On the internet I encounter people who are just so much funnier than me, better writers than me, prettier than me, better artists than me etc. Some people when encountered with ‘competition’, will strive to do better. Me, I’m like the opposite. I get talent overload paralysis (real condition. No I just totally made that up but it sounds official) and just sit here staring at my screen unable to CREATE for fear that it will be AVERAGE.

Now I’m a pretty rational person. Logic > all, for me. I’ve been told by people they like my painting, they like my writing, they think I’m pretty. AND YET. 90% of me doesn’t believe it (the other 10% of me is a person with a superiority complex the size of Europe). So I continue to look at people who are ‘better than me’ and feel bad about myself. It doesn’t make sense… IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE PEOPLE!

Update of Epic Proportions

Iris — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 14:02:09 +0000

Soooo I haven’t updated since August! I’m so bad at sticking with something (like blogging). I’m so good at starting stuff, just not great at finishing, it’s the story of my life I swear!

So I’ve been thinking that I want this blog & site to be a bit different. OK I go through a phase thinking that every so often and then fizzle out, but gosh darnit this time I’m serious! I think.. Soooo this blog post is gonna just incorporate everything that I was thinking this site will incorporate too, which is pure and undiluted ME. What else did you expect, right?

First of all, what has been happening in the life of Iris since August 2008? Well, I guess the most groundbreaking, earthshattering and interesting fact is that.. *drumroll* I got married! The lucky victim was (and is) Andrew, my boyfriend of 4 years. We got married in London on 31 October 2008.

We went on our honeymoon to Leicestershire (how exotic, I know) where we had rented a narrow boat. It was so peaceful and amazing. I would recommend this type of holiday to anyone. And even though we went in November and it was cold, that didn’t make it uncomfortable or anything. The weather was just part of it and we had some amazing days.

I did a bit of art while on the boat but haven’t taken pics of that yet, but I will soon. I just can’t stress enough how amazingly tranquil it was, SUCH a good place to get inspired and do art. It’s also nice to be in a place that doesn’t have the usual distractions of computers & the internet.

Now that we’re married we’re incredibly poor. *cries* I know I know, children in Africa are starving and I don’t know what the word ‘poor’ really means. It’s been good for us in a way though, because we’ve had to really evaluate what we spend, and what we can spend. Nevertheless, at certain times it depresses me a bit because going without luxuries, even though very doable, can be a bit of a dampener on our spirits. It also makes socialising very hard. People suggesting we go catch up with a drink/dinner, a friend of mine who has invited me to her wedding. Can’t afford to do those kind of things. Blegh, talking about it is making me feel sad, so I’ll just move on!

On January 5th it was my grandmother’s (if I recall correctly) 92nd birthday! Isn’t that amazing? As she doesn’t really need anything and we couldn’t afford anything, I made her a present! I created a painting for her.

Because of the ‘deadline’ (her birthday) this is actually the quickest mixed media piece I have ever done (2 evenings). I think that was really good for me, because it meant I had to just DO IT, rather than thinking about it for ages and ending up leaving it half finished in a drawer somewhere.

Apparently it made her cry profusely which was weird on the one hand and very touching on the other. I think maybe she thought it was supposed to represent me and my mother. I painted it having in mind a grandmother & granddaughter figure though (not necessarily me and her).

When it comes to work, work is just.. work. I wish I liked it more than I do. Just a bit of background, Andrew and I work together on our own video production business. He started it up about 2.5 years ago and I’ve been working full-time for the company for about 1.5 years. It is not my passion, nor what I want to do with my life, but I DO want to support Andrew and help build something for us. I just hope to figure out sooner or later what it is that I actually want to do. It’s all well and good knowing what you don’t want to do, but that still doesn’t help me find out what I do want to do. There are way too many do’s in that paragraph so I will stop it now.

This update is starting to become pretty epic so I think I will wrap it up, that way hopefully I will have something more to say when I update again soon.