When I was at university and had to write essays I was the Queen of Procrastination™. Although I always finished things on time, I was emotionally unable to put in the proper time required. I would always do everything last minute, rushing through it, wishing for it to be finished already. I never had anything looked at beforehand by teachers to be critiqued. I would read through it before submitting to spot spelling mistakes, but actual rewriting was too painful. It just had to be done, handed in, away, GONE.
I’m not very good at process. So, in 2014 my word for the year is ‘journey’. I want to try and spend more time experiencing the journey, rather than only focussing on the end result. I want to enjoy the process of whatever it is I decide to engage in. Too often I have started a painting and struggled through it, hating the work and just wanting it to be finished. That way I could feel the satisfaction of completion, but it left me feeling empty.
Most of all I want to allow myself to have a journey. Allow myself the time and space to grow. To stop feeling like I have to be perfect. To stop comparing myself to other people. I want to have my personal journey.
I’ve been working quite hard (in whatever little time my job & raising two kids allows!) to make this happen. I can genuinely say I’ve enjoyed painting more than ever these past few months. Partly because I was painting to paint. Not for the result. Not to share. Not to get recognition or attention. With this post I am tentatively getting back into sharing my work. I love showing what I paint, but I also want to be really careful not to fall into the trap of becoming a ‘share junkie’. Where the sharing becomes more important than the joy of creating.
The following piece is my ‘Inner Artist Guardian’. She’s a welcoming and caring person inside me, who allows me to journey and create freely and tries to protect me from my own nasty critical thoughts.
The work in this post is inspired by a lesson on Life Book 2014, come join us!